An Amusing Retelling of the Book of Acts
Told through a series of letters that will (hopefully) make you laugh
The following is a set of letters that a friend and I wrote for our Acts class. They are written from the perspective of an apostle to his mother. She wrote the letters for the first nine chapters, I wrote the two after that, and we alternated two at a time from then on. It was so fun for me to read these again and remember all the weird things I wrote. These are in no way intended to be actual biblical teaching materials and are entirely for the purposes of entertainment.
Chapter 1
Dear Mother,
Today Jesus ascended into heaven but he gave us disciples some instructions before he left. There are only eleven of us now, dear Mother, because well, to be frank…Judas has died by way of gut explosion. Forgive me my crassness. We have decided, by prayer of course, that we need to replace Judas. We put Matthias up against Joseph (aka Barsabbas, aka Justus). Obviously, having so many names is confusing and God must have come to that conclusion too, because when we cast lots, the lot fell to, yup, good ole Matty. So Matty’s on the A team now. (That’s what I like to call us, the apostles, lol.)
Chapter 2
Dear Mother,
GUESS WHAT?! The Holy Spirit now lives in me! Oh, wow, you should have been here! We were just chillin’ and BOOM, outta nowhere there was this sound of a rushing wind, louder and more violent than even Father’s snoring, and tongues of fire separated and rested on each of us, and we were filled with the Spirit! I began to speak a different language, Mother! I do not understand it even now, but it was an incredible experience, like nothing else! While we were all speaking in tongues, Peter addressed the crowd and gave them the most solid and convincing proof of soberness I have ever heard in my life. Here is what he said, verbatim, “These people are not drunk, as you suppose. It’s only nine in the morning!” I should have used that one on you once, Mother. Anyway, fun fact, Peter also preached Joel’s prophecy.
Chapter 3
Dear Mother,
So, Peter and John came back for dinner this evening and we all shared what we did today. I would tell you about my day, but you need to hear about Peter and John’s. They healed a lame man. And Mother, not just a man who had been run over by a Roman chariot, which is more common, but a man who was born lame! He got up and danced the polka in delight after the miracle!
Chapter 4
Dear Mother,
So, I thought that Peter was smarter than me. John, too, and they are. However, I must be dumber than dirt, because APPARENTLY, the high priestly family thinks that they are uneducated and ordinary. Hicks, Mother! Just smelly fishermen, and they were, I guess. I will have to reconcile myself to the idea that I, too, am just a hick for Jesus. But a hick loved by Jesus.
By the way, the Holy Spirit is doing amazing things. First we spoke in tongues, and now the Holy Spirit is really shaking things up! I mean, literally! We were all praying together and the Holy Spirit shook our place of prayer! It was a groundbreaking experience!
Chapter 5
Dear Mother,
A word to the wise - do not lie to God. In general, really, you know, they say honesty is the best policy, but especially do not lie to the Holy Spirit. And I will give you a good reason not to. Recently everyone, new believers and such, have all been happily sharing their possessions and donating generously to the church. Ananias and Sapphira, a local couple, liked the idea of being praised for an exorbitant donation but were not so hot on the idea of actually giving away such a hefty amount. As a solution, they decided to sell a field, keep back part of the money for themselves, but make it look like they were giving it all. Unfortunately for them, God cannot be fooled by this, and neither will Peter. Ananias was struck down dead! His wife also lied, and she died too. You could say their so-called solution had life-long effects.
P.S. Oh, and I was put in prison, Mother. But not to worry; we escaped because an angel of the Lord opened the doors and brought us out! The Sanhedrin wanted to kill us, but the Pharisee Gamaliel advocated for us and cautioned the leading council against it. So do not go ordering flowers or go looking for the weeping wailers just yet, dear Mother.
Chapter 6
Dear Mother,
I have been really busy. Swamped, really. But the widows, not unlike yourself dear Mother, were being neglected. I know, and I am sorry. But we’ve got it all sorted out now. You see, we appointed seven men to distribute food. One of them is named Stephen. He seems pretty legit.
Dear Mother,
Stephen, the legit guy? Remember, I was telling you about him. Well. He has been doing awesome things through the Holy Spirit. However, some higher-ups are not too keen on all of it, so they have stirred up false witness against him! The injustices we suffer, Mother, you would not believe.
Chapter 7
Dear Mother,
Stephen was taken to the council, where his preaching filled the Jewish authorities with rage. You should have seen them. I could almost see the smoke billowing out of their ears. Well, on second thought, maybe it is good that you are not witnessing the horrors that have occurred. Stephen is now with our Lord because they stoned him.
Chapter 8
Dear Mother,
Because of persecution, the church has been scattered beyond Jerusalem. Philip has gone to Samaria, and they have accepted the good news. Peter also went to Samaria, with John, to give the new Samaritan believers the Holy Spirit. Simon, a magician there, also wanted the Holy Spirit and offered to purchase Him, but Peter rebuked Simon. Philip, sent by an angel of the Lord, walked down a road, met an Ethiopian eunuch, explained the Scriptures and baptized him. AND THEN, disappeared. Vanished. Presto, just like that, and Philip found himself in Azotus.
Chapter 9
Dear Mother,
Have you heard of that Pharisee fella, Saul? Super intelligent, Roman citizen, tribe of Benjamin guy? Well, he was the one who gave approval of Stephen’s death and had been going around persecuting the Christian believers, throwing them in jail and getting them killed. Mother, I have been telling you the Holy Spirit has been doing marvellous things. This one is unbelievable. Saul, now known as Paul, encountered a light and a voice from heaven on his way to Damascus! He received the Holy Spirit when Ananias (a different guy from the dead liar) laid his hands on him. So Barnabas introduced Saul/Paul to the disciples in Jerusalem.
Other updates - Peter healed a paralytic named Aeneas in Lydda, who had been bedridden eight years! These are items you can be praising the Lord for, Mother! And that’s not all! Tabitha, aka Dorcas, a lovely, hardworking and compassionate woman in Joppa, not unlike yourself, Mother, died. But, through the power of the Holy Spirit, Peter raised her from the dead!
Chapter 10
Dear Mother,
Peter had this super crazy vision of a bunch of unclean animals on a UFO. Even weirder, he was told to eat them! He was so confused about this, and then some Roman centurion named Cornelius sent him a message inviting Peter to his house! So, Peter went to Caesarea and visited the guy and then went on a rant about how we’re supposed to go and preach to Gentiles or something. What a strange idea; can you believe it? But if that’s what God wants, I’m all for it!
Chapter 11
Dear Mother,
So, apparently the Gentiles got a little out of hand and began speaking in tongues. Everyone was so shocked, because, I mean, they are Gentiles, so then Peter had to explain it all to the believers in Jerusalem. He was like, “Oh, it’s all good now! God told me to visit this guy and then the Holy Spirit just showed up, so who am I to say no to that?” Then everyone was happy because whatever Peter says goes. Meanwhile, this guy Barnabas (what kind of name is that btw? It sounds too much like Barabbas for my liking) ran into Saul and they decided to go on a trip to Syrian Antioch (why the heck are there so many Antiochs?!?! Ugh… those Seleucid kings were nasty) because, like, why not?
Chapter 12
Dear Mother,
More sad news. James, a fellow A team member, has been killed. By King Herod’s orders for no other reason than to persecute the church and to please the Jews. And it did. So Herod had Peter arrested too. Herod intended to put Peter on public trial after the Passover, but an angel of the Lord escorted Peter out in the middle of the night! Sometime later, Mother, yes, I apologize for the large gap in my letters, but you very well may have heard that Herod was struck dead because he did not give praise to God but accepted man’s praise for himself. Another detail for you, Mother, disturbing for some but of great fascination to me, Herod was eaten by worms!
Chapter 13
Dear Mother,
Paul and Barnabas have been set apart for specific work by the Holy Spirit. When they were in Paphos they met a magician who was opposing their message. Paul rebuked the man, named Elymas, and he was struck with blindness! I was not there, Mother, but from what I heard he required someone to help him move about, leading him so he would not crash into his surroundings! Moving on from that place, Pisidian Antioch, they went to teach in a synagogue on the Sabbath where Paul preached about freedom from the law of Moses.
Chapter 14
Dear Mother,
Paul and Barnabas sure had an interesting time in Lystra! They healed this lame guy and everyone was like “EEEK! THEY ARE GODS IN THE FLESH! WE WILL WELCOME THEM IN LIKE BAUCIS AND PHILEMON!” Not wanting to be associated with a woman abductor and a cow thief, Paul and Barnabas vociferously pleaded that they were innocent of these accusations. Then this wild mob of Jews from Antioch and Iconium crashed the party and stoned Paul nearly to death! Somehow, he survived and just kept on going, because that’s what Paul does.
Chapter 15
Dear Mother,
The apostles had a reunion in Jerusalem. It was great to see all my buds again, but we had a heavy topic to discuss. Yup, it was that man issue. Some people get so opinionated about it all, which is slightly disturbing when you think about it. Anyway, they made a list of these three things Gentile converts should avoid doing and Judas (aka Barsabbas) and Silas delivered the letter to Antioch. I hesitate to write of this next occurrence, as it involves some personal drama of which I have no part in. Paul and Barnabas were going to return to the cities they had visited, but Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them. Of course, Paul was opposed to that given what had happened previously, so they ended up going separate ways. I do wish that they would resolve this, but there is nothing I can do except pray.
Chapter 16
Dearest Mother,
Timothy has joined Paul. His mother is a Jewess, but his father is a Greek, so…well, I mean, Paul figured it would be better if…well, I mean, Mother, you know. I guess I have not spared you the details up until now, so…Tim was circumcised. Anyhow, moving on, Paul and company were going to head into Bithynia but God directed them to go to Macedonia instead, through a vision to Paul.
In Philippi, they were preaching and teaching, and a young slave woman, not unlike yourself as a girl, Mother, except for the fact she was possessed by a future-telling spirit. The girl was so bothersome and persistent in following after Paul day after day. Paul finally got fed up and commanded the spirit to leave her, through Jesus’ name. It happened immediately, but you can guess, Mother, what occurred next. Uh, yeah. Those owners were NOT pleased. So, what seems to be a regular occurrence, Paul and Silas were dragged in front of the authorities. They were imprisoned. Meanwhile, Paul and Silas were belting out gospel tunes and praying aloud, despite being chained in jail with fresh flogging wounds. Now, what also seems to be a common theme is apostles “escaping” or, more realistically, walking out of jail with an angel, but not this time. There was a violent earthquake, so great and impactful that the prison’s foundation was shaken! All the cell doors flew open, and everyone’s bonds were loosened so that all the men could have run out! The jailer, thinking this to be the case, was about to kill himself when Paul alerted him to the fact that no one had left. And then the prison guard asked Paul and Silas what he must do to be saved, and he was baptized.
Chapter 17
Dear Mother,
Remember that story you used to tell all the time about Henny Penny, the chicken who thought the sky was falling? Well, a similar thing happened to Paul and Silas. They were accused of turning the world upside down. They went away to Berea in the night and after sharing the gospel, the Berean Jews compared Paul’s words with the Old Testament to verify them. The Jews who were concerned Paul and Silas were upsetting the world’s axis followed them to Berea, so they then went to Athens. While there, Paul preached at the Areopagus.
Chapter 18
Dear Mother,
Paul got in trouble AGAIN. I know, I’ve told him to be more careful, but he just doesn’t listen. He upset a bunch of Jews while preaching that Jesus is the Messiah, so they brought him to the tribunal. The proconsul Gallio was so fed up with all the Jewish religious quibbles going around, he drove them all out of the tribunal. After all of that chaos, Paul took a vow and shaved his head. Just don’t call him “baldy” or you might end up in a fight with some bears. In other news, an Alexandrian Jew was preaching in Ephesus about John’s baptism. Thankfully, this nice couple Priscilla and Aquila helped him upgrade his Christology. I keep saying someone’s gotta write a theology textbook so this stuff doesn’t keep happening!
Chapter 19
Dear Mother,
Things sure have been happening in Ephesus! Paul ran into twelve disciples who were ignorant of the doctrine of Pneumatology. The state of theology is so poor around here! If no one else writes that book, maybe I’ll have to! Anyway, Paul got them all straightened out and they were baptized for real this time. Then these seven brothers were going around attempting to cast out evil spirits. Turns out, the spirit knew both Jesus and Paul, but not these freaks. The possessed man violently attacked the brothers and they ran away naked. Kinda reminds me of that young man who slipped out of the linen cloth he was wearing. Of course, all this Christian preaching sure has an impact on the economy. Demetrius the silversmith got real angry about all this, as I’m sure you know how important Artemis is to the Ephesians. The whole city was all riled up and chanting about her greatness. Eventually, the city clerk managed to calm them down.
Chapter 20
Dear Mother,
While Paul is a masterful speaker, this does not necessarily mean he still does not have those among his audience who have a reputation for slipping into a state of slumber. Such was the case in Troas for a young man named Eutychus. Paul preached late into the night, for he was to leave that place in the morning, and Eutychus was sitting in the window, as one does. Paul, though passionate and captivating, was no match for this teenager. He drifted asleep, but in doing so, fell three stories to his death. This, obviously, stole the attention away from Paul and, having none of it, went and resurrected Eutychus, and then kept preaching until daybreak. The lengths that man will go to keep his audience! Just kidding, Mother, as this was an act of God. In Ephesus Paul had to say his final farewells to the believers there, for Paul will go onto Jerusalem, not to leave alive again. The emotions were high in Ephesus that day, especially among Paul and the elders.
Chapter 21
Dear Mother,
While on the way to Jerusalem, we stopped at Caesarea, and a prophet by the name of Agabus shared a message with us, that Paul would be bound in Jerusalem and handed over to the Gentiles. After this, we pleaded with Paul not to go to Jerusalem, but Paul reminded us that he was ready to follow Jesus no matter what would be in store for him. And so, he was not persuaded to abandon his journey to Jerusalem.
We made it to Jerusalem, with not a shipwreck even (a very real possibility, travelling with Paul), and Paul was invited to join four men in their purification rites, which he did. Later that same week some Jews from Asia saw that Paul was in the company of Trophimus the Ephesian and assumed, (you know what that means, Mother), that Paul had brought him into the temple area, thus defiling the holy place. This is untrue, but they obviously did not give a shekel. And so, Paul was expelled from the Temple.
Chapter 22
Dear Mother,
Paul gave a great defense of his actions and told his big crazy conversion story. As he was about to be beaten, he revealed his Roman citizenship and totally freaked out the commander. I get the feeling that Paul likes to purposefully not mention his citizenship until his rights are about to be violated just to see the reaction of the Roman officials.
Chapter 23
Dear Mother,
Paul really must learn to restrain his tongue. Perhaps James can help him out with that one. You see, he got quite carried away with his words (as often happens, if you think my letters are bad, just read some of his) and called the high priest Ananias a whitewashed wall. Ngl, that sounds like something Jesus would do. When Paul was told just who the man was he had insulted, Paul apologized and then used his favourite diplomatic tactic: causing chaos. Since he was speaking to the Sanhedrin, he started preaching about the resurrection, and that sure stirred things up.
Dear Mother,
Turns out Paul has a nephew. The son of his sister, to be specific. Paul never mentioned this guy’s name, but I suppose it’s not very relevant. This nephew visited Paul and told him that some Jews were planning to kill him. Does anyone ever visit Paul just to hang out? Seems like there’s too much bad news going around. I do wonder if Paul needs some encouragement since that Barnabas guy left him. Anyway, Paul was moved to Antipatris and then Caesarea. He sure manages to get around a lot!
Chapter 24
Dear Mother,
Paul was to present his case before Felix, the governor. Paul did, and Felix, afraid but also secretly hoping Paul would offer him a bribe, delayed Paul’s case. Felix probably didn’t like all of Paul’s talk of righteousness, given his marriage situation.
Chapter 25
Dear Mother,
It has been two years since I last wrote to you, Mother, so rest assured. I am not dead, lol. Anyway, so Paul had been in prison two years, under Felix, but now Porcius Festus has succeeded Felix. Paul’s accusers took it upon themselves to mastermind an ambush along the route to Jerusalem and asked Festus to send Paul there. But instead, Festus invited some of the accusers (chief priests and Jewish leaders, by the way) to come along with him to Caesarea, where Paul was still chillaxing in prison. Paul brought his case but appealed to Caesar, and Felix granted Paul’s appeal. Before he left, however, King Agrippa came to chat it up with Festus. Festus, more than willing to chatterbox his life away, mentioned Paul’s case and asked Agrippa for his thoughts on the problem. Intrigued, Agrippa asked to hear Paul for himself.
Chapter 26
Dear Mother,
Paul gave his defence before Agrippa. This Herod, however, was unfortunately not eaten by worms. He did find Paul to be innocent though.
Chapter 27
Dear Mother,
Paul, Luke, and Aristarchus (a Macedonian of Thessalonica) boarded a ship with a centurion named Julius. They switched ships a few times, and as they were near Crete, the weather worsened. A great storm arose and the travellers became discouraged. Then Paul promised the ship’s passengers a cure for hair loss. He’d be great at selling hair products. Anyway, there was a shipwreck but everyone made it safely to an island.
Chapter 28
Dear Mother,
While Paul was on the island, called Malta, the inhabitants there were very kind to them. It was still raining and quite chilly, but they helped them build a fire and welcomed them. While gathering wood to fuel the fire, a snake, wanting to be near the warmth of the flame, bit Paul! Now, the islanders, recognizing the snake to be a deadly one, were watching Paul, waiting for him to keel over. However, Paul was not affected by the attack. They stayed on the island for three months until they were ready to set sail once again, in a boat that had wintered in Malta. Once in Rome, Paul was permitted to live alone, with a bodyguard. (Well, a soldier to guard him, so same thing.) The Jews in Rome had heard no bad report about Paul, despite his infamy among Jews elsewhere. Paul has since been on house arrest for two years in Rome, teaching from his home without hindrance.
I hope you enjoyed reading that; feel free to share it with a friend if you did. For those who are interested, I started a public Instagram page to post about books and potentially some other things that you can follow. Have a great week!
I always thought the Pharasee from Tarsus was my favourite in Acts till I read about your description of this UFO guy. Now he's definitely my other favourite 😊
This is incredibly insightful Rachel! Just it over and over and can't seem to have enough of it. Thank you ❤️