Thanks for sharing. I admit that I sometimes struggle with how to refer to autism or autistic people in a way that is universally inoffensive while also being sufficiently descriptive. I am not personally neurodivergent, so I cannot speak to how I would feel if someone called me this or that. I can speak as a parent and say that raising a neurodivergent child is exceptionally hard. However, that does not necessarily mean it is hardER than parenting a neurotypical child. Children face all kinds of struggles at different stages in life, and parenting them through those is hard. It can certainly feel like a hardSHIP, but it is not as if helping a child through neurodivergence is the only hardship a parent could face. There are millions of them. Marriage can be a hardship. Work can be a hardship. So, I wouldn't tell people, "Parenting my son is such a hardship!" Because like anything worthwhile in life, parenting him is part joy and part sorrow. That's just the way life is. And there's no reason for him to feel guilty about it, or for any other autistic person to feel guilty, even if they are more dependent on others than the average person. (And not all autistic people are.) This is the kind of dangerous thinking that leads people to seek physician assisted suicide: because they don't want to be a burden. Well, everyone is dependent on others, and everyone creates a burden for others at some point in their life. That's just the way it is. I don't think we should make a show of calling people out on it or complaining that we have to care for others, because that is a denial of our own dependence on God and other human beings. But it might be ok in the right circumstances, speaking privately with the right person, to vent about life's difficulties. Often, that is all people need: a chance to get dark thoughts out rather than holding them in and stewing. Sorry, I've typed a really long answer. I guess I'm saying, I agree with you, but there is some nuance there as well.
I appreciate hearing your perspective on this, and I would agree that there is nothing wrong with privately venting about life's difficulties. I was thinking more about people posting stuff like this online, as I think that is very problematic. Feeling like a burden on those around me is something I often struggle with, and seeing people say things about how hard it is to have an autistic family member only makes that worse.
Very much understood. It's one of those things that comes down to heart motivation. It is possible for two people to say the same thing, but you can sense that one person has much better motivations than the other. When people complain about their kids, it can fall into this category. And the forum where they choose to do so is important. I don't post about issues with my personal relationships on social media, because I'm not looking to embarrass the person involved. And strangers know nothing of the context in which the complaint is expressed. Honestly, the most difficult thing about raising my son isn't any burden of time or effort, but the fact that I can't fully converse with him. His language skills just are not developed enough. That is very difficult, because I want to know what he is thinking and feeling. But that may yet come for him. I hope it does for his sake, and I hope he will always find friends who can be a bit patient with any difficulties he may have.
Agreed on these! I would qualify the "not looking autistic" because the "Aspie stare" that we can exhibit is quite distinctive and, for me, a default gaze.
Thanks for sharing. I admit that I sometimes struggle with how to refer to autism or autistic people in a way that is universally inoffensive while also being sufficiently descriptive. I am not personally neurodivergent, so I cannot speak to how I would feel if someone called me this or that. I can speak as a parent and say that raising a neurodivergent child is exceptionally hard. However, that does not necessarily mean it is hardER than parenting a neurotypical child. Children face all kinds of struggles at different stages in life, and parenting them through those is hard. It can certainly feel like a hardSHIP, but it is not as if helping a child through neurodivergence is the only hardship a parent could face. There are millions of them. Marriage can be a hardship. Work can be a hardship. So, I wouldn't tell people, "Parenting my son is such a hardship!" Because like anything worthwhile in life, parenting him is part joy and part sorrow. That's just the way life is. And there's no reason for him to feel guilty about it, or for any other autistic person to feel guilty, even if they are more dependent on others than the average person. (And not all autistic people are.) This is the kind of dangerous thinking that leads people to seek physician assisted suicide: because they don't want to be a burden. Well, everyone is dependent on others, and everyone creates a burden for others at some point in their life. That's just the way it is. I don't think we should make a show of calling people out on it or complaining that we have to care for others, because that is a denial of our own dependence on God and other human beings. But it might be ok in the right circumstances, speaking privately with the right person, to vent about life's difficulties. Often, that is all people need: a chance to get dark thoughts out rather than holding them in and stewing. Sorry, I've typed a really long answer. I guess I'm saying, I agree with you, but there is some nuance there as well.
I appreciate hearing your perspective on this, and I would agree that there is nothing wrong with privately venting about life's difficulties. I was thinking more about people posting stuff like this online, as I think that is very problematic. Feeling like a burden on those around me is something I often struggle with, and seeing people say things about how hard it is to have an autistic family member only makes that worse.
Very much understood. It's one of those things that comes down to heart motivation. It is possible for two people to say the same thing, but you can sense that one person has much better motivations than the other. When people complain about their kids, it can fall into this category. And the forum where they choose to do so is important. I don't post about issues with my personal relationships on social media, because I'm not looking to embarrass the person involved. And strangers know nothing of the context in which the complaint is expressed. Honestly, the most difficult thing about raising my son isn't any burden of time or effort, but the fact that I can't fully converse with him. His language skills just are not developed enough. That is very difficult, because I want to know what he is thinking and feeling. But that may yet come for him. I hope it does for his sake, and I hope he will always find friends who can be a bit patient with any difficulties he may have.
This is super helpful, Rachel. A couple of these I had never heard before either, but I can see why you feel the way you do about each of them.
Agreed on these! I would qualify the "not looking autistic" because the "Aspie stare" that we can exhibit is quite distinctive and, for me, a default gaze.