An Alien From Neptune, a Creepy Mermaid, and Talking Boogers 🧜🏻‍♀

In which I publicly humiliate myself by sharing the wackiest story I ever wrote when I was eleven

In the cupboard of my desk, there lies a yellow duotang.¹ Within this yellow duotang are eight sheets of paper on which a decade-old story of mine is printed and illustrated. In this post, I will show you all that very embarrassing and poorly written story, while including some notes with background information about the story and some things I could have done better. Get ready to laugh because this story is so bad!

The assignment 📑

In the space unit of my grade six school year, each student in my class was required to write and illustrate a short story, sort of like a myth, that explains some space-related phenomenon. I chose to write my story on how comets came into existence and titled it “Underwater Powers.” We had previously each designed an alien character on a 3D program, which were originally going to be 3D printed, but that did not work out. The character we created there was to be our protagonist for this short story and they had to be from whichever planet we had done our planet research project on. At the end of our stories, we had to include an informational paragraph on the real scientific facts explaining whatever we chose to write the story about. Unfortunately, I no longer have the Google document on which I typed this story, as that was under my school account which was shut down after I graduated, but I still have the physical copy and took pictures of each page to display here.

Introducing my protagonists 👥

Suzie 👽

Despite not being human, Suzie is essentially a self-insert character who is basically meant to be me. I happened to love the name Suzie when I was young, so that was the natural choice of name to give her. She is an alien from Neptune (because I like cold places, though not that cold! 🥶) and was coloured with my two favourite colours from my large collection of Crayola pencil crayons, sky blue and yellow green. When I say that I was obsessed with my set of pencil crayons as a child, and these two colours specifically, I mean it. I literally made up names, personalities, and backstories for MY PENCIL CRAYONS… so that tells you a bit about what sort of child I was.² Anyway, Suzie is kind of like a cyclops robot alien creature as she has a blocky type of humanoid body and only has one eye. Instead of hands and feet, she has a suction cup at the end of each limb, which, admittedly, was inspired by LarryBoy’s suction cup helmet/face mask thing.

LarryBoy’s design from 1999 because I cannot deny the impact that VeggieTales had on my childhood 🥒

Anastasia 👸🏼

Anastasia is a princess on Earth with magical ice and water powers, blonde hair, and her signature outfit is a flowy turquoise dress. If that sounds a lot like Elsa to you, you would be correct. Frozen had been around for a little over a year at this point, as it came out in November 2013, and it was my all-time favourite movie. Somewhat randomly, Anastasia is Suzie’s pen pal, so apparently, there is some sort of solar-system-wide pen pal program in this story. I did actually have a pen pal that I believe I started to communicate with in grade five so that also influenced my writing.

Elsa in Frozen who inspired the character of Anastasia

The story 📖

And now it’s time for silly stories with Rachel!³

Here is the title page! I do not have much to say about it aside from the fact that I was a very bad artist, as is evident by the quality of my work. For the rest of the story, I will retype what I wrote and add some comments in square brackets and italics.

“We’re going swimming? Yeah!” Suzie was so excited- [ughhh I did NOT know the difference between hyphens and em dashes when I wrote this] today she was going to meet her pen-pal Anastasia. Quickly, [I used an absurd number of adverbs in my old writing. More on that later.] Suzie and Anastasia both rushed to the magic forest and headed for the lake. Suzie stood there breathless- [why why why I did it again!] the scene was so beautiful! Sparkling, refreshing frost climbed up the tree trunks and bloomed like flowers on the tips of branches. [A personification AND a simile in one sentence? I actually think I did a pretty good job with that, though I really should have removed the word “refreshing.”] The dim morning Sun [someone please tell me why I felt the need to capitalize the word “sun” because that is beyond me] rose and made the frozen water shine like real diamonds. [I should have just said “shine like diamonds” instead of “shine like real diamonds.”] Suddenly, a rustling noise of frozen vines startled Suzie. [I believe I had the scene from Frozen where Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf are in the forest with the frozen trees in mind when I wrote this sentence.] Shortly after, a girl about fourteen years old with long, flowing blonde hair gracefully landed beside Suzie. For a moment, they just stared at each other until Suzie exclaimed “Well, let’s go play!” [Oh my goodness, this interaction is SO akward. Ultimate cringe. And I should have added a comma after “exclaimed.”] Anastasia’s long, sparkly dress smoothly and softly glided on the shiny, slippery ice. [Four adjectives and two adverbs in one sentence = massive face-palm moment.] Stomp! Anastasia used her foot to create a large hole in the ice and the two slipped in. Whoosh! The water was so cold, but they both felt warm. [Just to clarify — both Suzie and Anastasia can breathe underwater, though I never directly specified this in the story.]

So, page one introduces the two central characters in this narrative. Some information I neglected to include is that this takes place on Earth when Suzie has come to visit Anastasia, as they had never met in person before. As was typical for my writing at the time, I used way too many descriptive words.

The next thing Suzie knew was that Anastasia was shooting some sort of shimmery thing from her hands. “There are many beauties and powers in the world of underwater, but also great dangers and forces and forces of evil trying to get the powers and trap them, [quotation marks!!!!!] a quiet voice whispered. Suzie assumed it had come from the plants, [okay, what even? I guess plants talk?] but she soon realized that it was Anastasia. “The most powerful trouble is the Death Mermaid, [putting “Death Mermaid” in bold letters and a different colour was an idea I stole from the Geronimo Stilton books, if anyone cares.] Creepella. [Speaking of Geronimo Stilton, I also stole the name Creepella from Creepella Von Cacklefur, a charcter in those books who even has a series named after her.] She plans to steal my powers and poison the world of underwater,” Anastasia continued. “The best we can do is to use powers to create more magic fish, shiny bubbles, and underwater plants. We must fight not only for our lives, but more importantly [comma!] the life of the underwater world.”

Here, the reader is told about the story’s main antagonist, the Death Mermaid. Somehow, creating more “magic fish, shiny bubbles, and underwater plants” with magical powers will weaken Creepella’s power… or something. What even are these “shiny bubbles” I wrote of? 🫧 I honestly do not know.

A creeping shadow appears on the sand, and luckily Suzie hides behind a rock surrounded by plants. [I accidentally wrote this sentence in the present tense even though this story is written in the past tense. Oops.] “Anastasia!” Suzie yelled, but no sound came from her mouth. She was too scared and in shock. Gooey, icky, mucky creatures slithered out from behind Anastasia. [Yes, I had to use three adjectives to describe these creatures.] Panting, Anastasia struggled to fight and escape, causing her to get her arm scratched. Bravely, [Quit starting sentences with adverbs all the time, Rachel!] Suzie snuck up behind the sloppy things. Carefully, [Ahhhh, I mean it!!!!!] she picked up four metal handcuffs she found from where the creatures had come from, and handcuffed them as well as footcuffed. [Is “footcuffing” even a thing? IDK] Suzie and Anastasia pushed them away. “Those were the Gooey Brothers,” Anastasia replied. [Technically, Anastasia did not reply because Suzie did not say anything for her to reply to. I should have written “explained,” “mentioned,” “remarked,” or “stated” instead.]

This page recounts an encounter Suzie and Anastasia had with the Gooey Brothers, assistants to the Death Mermaid. They look somewhat like boogers and somewhat like Mr. Potato Heads. The conflict here was wrapped up way too quickly, as Suzie just randomly found handcuffs lying at the bottom of the lake that she and Anastasia used on the Gooey Brothers.

It was the next morning that Suzie dove into the lake and realized that her friend was in danger! [I used exclamation marks too much. Also, I really should have explained what happened over the time skip.] “I’ll get you this time!” [Okay, this line was obviously taken from Dr. Claw’s famous catchphrase in Inspector Gadget.] Boomed a frusterated voice. Quickly, [Stop it with the adverbs, already!] Suzie spun around in terror. A mermaid with long, creepy looking hair was trying to get Anastasia’s powers! Glittery, long eyelashes flashed above her eyes and then Suzie knew it was the Death Mermaid. [Because obviously, only the Death Mermaid would have long and glittery eyelashes.] Before Suzie could lift a finger, the Death Mermaid was reciting a poem and some glittery stuff was coming out of Anastasia, [COMMA SPLICE ALERT!] it was her powers! The powers, she trapped in a box. In a flash, Suzie zoomed [How does one “zoom” while underwater? Legitimate question.] toward Creepella and grabbed the box, but Creepella managed to push it out of Suzie’s strong grip. [Even though Suzie has suction-cup hands? Dang, Creepella must be strong.] Magnificently, [I should have subtitled this story “An Abundance of Adverbs” or something like that.] It soared high in the air, and suddenly vanished from sight. Suzie was devastated, but Anastasia wasn’t ready to give up. “We can do it,” she reassured Suzie.

Sometime before the narrative on this page begins, Creepella has captured Anastasia. Then, it describes what happened when Creepella took Anastasia’s water/ice magical powers and trapped them in a box because that is a thing that can happen in this not-very-well-thought-out magic system. Anyway, the box got lost and now Suzie and Anastasia have to get it back. I have to note that not only is Creepella’s name taken from Creepella von Cacklefur, but her design, and especially the dark purple colour of her tail, was also based on the mouse character.

Please admire the painstaking work I did in photoshopping this picture of Creepella von Cacklefur and ignore the fact that the average eight-year-old probably could have done a better job of it

Bravely, the two adventurers set off on their thrilling, terrifying [Please stop it with the double adjectives!] journey right away. After a two hour tiring trip, Suzie complained to Anastasia that it was rest/snack time. [Ummm… “rest/snack time?” Out of all the stupid-sounding things I could have written…] “Shh, the box is near, but also are our enemies,” Anastasia responded calmly and quietly. [Did you think I was done with the adverbs? Haha, nope!] “Wow, there it is!” Suzie exclaimed. Unfortunately, the Death Mermaid and the Gooey Brothers heard her excitement, and ran over. “Ahh!” Suzie screamed for her life as the Gooey Brothers grabbed her, then handed her over to the Death Mermaid, and was thrown into a dark, deep pit. Oh no, Suzie thought I am going to die. [I really should have italicized the thoughts or at least done SOMETHING to make it clearer.] Just then, all in one split second, [Saying both “just then” and “all in one split second” is probably the most redundant thing in the entire universe.] Anastasia dove for her friend as Suzie yelled “No!” I could try to grab on to one of the sides of the pit, I just have to get closer. [Once again, Suzie’s thoughts have entered infiltrated the chat, I mean, the story.] Suzie’s random thoughts drifted all over her mind.

If you could not tell, the story’s setting has gone back to the ground now. As you can see, Creepella, though her natural form is that of a mermaid, can change her tail into a pair of human legs and survive above water. I just never bothered to actually explain that in the story. Anastasia and Suzie found their three enemies, but Suzie got thrown in a pit and Anastasia jumped in to rescue her.

Struggling to keep a tight grip, Anastasia clenched her long, beautiful fingers [Why, of all things, did I feel the need to describe Anastasia’s fingers?!?!] on Suzie’s arm. “Grab on to my suction cup hand, [someone really should have told me what a comma splice is and how to fix it because this is driving me crazy] it will stick to you,” Suzie called out just as a swinging vine caught her attention. Obediently, Anastasia held Suzie’s special grip hands. “Got it!” Suzie informed her friend that she had grabbed the strong, flexible [More desrciptive words!] vine. Slowly, Suzie climbed up the the vine, and soon Anastasia was able to hang on to the vine too. Eventually, the excited, brave [Ngl, this is SUCH a bad way to start a sentence] crew had made it to the top. The Death Mermaid held the box of power, but Suzie grabbed it. Brilliantly, [At least I was creative with my use of adverbs, right?] the jeweled box powerfully blasted open in the hands of Anastasia. Millions of tiny lit up things shot out of the box. The power was too great for the Death Mermaid and the Gooey Brothers, so they fell to the ground dead. [That sure wrapped things up far to easily.] Strangely, the power split into two sections, [NOT AGAIN!!!] one entered into Anastasia and the others zoomed into the sky. “Yeah, we did it!” Suzie exclaimed. From this day forward, this is why we have… Comets!

The final page of the story! Anastasia rescued Suzie from the pit and Suzie took the box from Creepella, giving it to Anastasia. While in Anastasia’s hands, the box burst open and all the magical powers trapped inside flew out but half went back into Anastasia and the other half went out into space, becoming comets. The antagonists were killed by that, of course, and the picture of the Death Mermaid and Gooey Brothers lying on the ground dead is some stunning artwork if I do say so myself.

Why do we have Comets and what are they?

Scientific Perspective

Comets are balls of rock and ice travelling around the Sun. [Quit capitalizing “sun,” Rachel!] Sometimes they are called “Dirty Snowballs.” Comets reflect light from the Sun or other stars, [face-palm] they do not produce light. It takes comets two hundred years to make a full orbit around the Sun. Dirt and gas are released from Comets. Scientists call them planetesimals. The tail of the comet can be behind the comet or in front of the comet. The Kuiper Belt and the Oort Cloud is where comets come from. Comets leave the Kupier Belt or the Oort Cloud when two Comets crash into each other, causing them to change paths. Once comets enter the inner solar system, they start to melt. Some melt until they are completely gone. It is safe to fly through a comet’s tail in a spaceship, [one final comma splice for good measure] only tiny pieces of dust would hit the spaceship.

Now we have my extraordinarily scientific, educational, intellectual, and informative poorly written paragraph about comets. ☄ Some of those sentences are quite short, and it is like I just strung a bunch of random facts together that I found online, which is basically what I did.

Overall thoughts and observations 💭

Well, that was awful. I used an absurd number of adjectives and adverbs which made my writing sound very clunky and like I was trying to hit a word count. The reason for this is that my elementary school teachers SPECIFICALLY TOLD THE STUDENTS (myself included) to use lots of descriptive words in our writing. Back in grade three, everyone in my class was even given a sheet of paper with a bunch of adverbs on it and the teacher instructed us to use those words frequently, especially to start sentences. And so, I did. I have no idea why my teachers thought it was such a good idea to keep telling their students to USE MORE DESCRIPTIVE WORDS, because oh my goodness, did I ever take their advice super literally. Just saying, including more descriptive words does not equal a better story. In many cases, doing so will only make it worse, as it did for me.

Another thing I could not help but notice was that I never once used the word “said” in this story. From a young age, it was drilled into my head that “said is dead,” so I avoided that word like the plague. Now, there is a bit of truth behind that statement, as no one wants to read a book that is just a bunch of “he said… she said… so-and-so said…” as that sounds incredibly boring. However, you most definitely do not need to cut out every instance of “said” in your writing! Sometimes, “said” is the best word to use and I wish I had allowed myself the freedom to use it.

My drawings were pretty bad, too. I may have been in love with my pencil crayons, but I sure was not very good at using them! There was one thing I did with the drawings that I thought was a good idea. A little orange goldfish appears on every page, which was a fun little Easter egg I wanted to include to see if readers were paying attention, and I am glad I did.

You may wonder what sort of mark I received on this project, and truthfully, I do not know. The sheet with my mark on it must have been thrown away long ago, as I only kept the story. So, that was the most ridiculous story I have ever written and my insights behind what I wrote back then. To think that I actually thought this was a good story when I wrote it… yikes.

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I hope you enjoyed laughing at me as I willingly embarrassed myself on the internet. Thankfully, my writing has improved significantly in the ten years since then, and although I know it is still not very good, I am at least improving! Let this serve as a reminder to you that no one is naturally an amazing writer. It takes a lot of hard work and practice to produce quality writing, but you can get better if you work at it!

1. I recently learned that anyone who is not a Canadian most likely has no idea what a duotang is which was super weird for me because everyone here knows what they are! Basically, it is just a folder that has six metal teeth on the inside that you use to fasten sheets of paper inside.

2. I also made up this game I played when I was bored in class in which I would randomly select a pencil crayon from my pencil case and try to guess the name of the colour. The other students in my class had phones or tablets to occupy themselves and I had pencil crayons. What a weirdo.

3. Did I just make two VeggieTales references in one post? Ummmmm… maybe.